How Do You Deal With Bigoted Comments From Family Members in Front of Kids?

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vp: From the Parent’s Club, I’m Vincent Phamvan. This is our Member’s Questions episode. In each Q&A episode, learn about the most important things you need to know as a parent, and how to help your family learn, grow, and thrive.

e: Hey there, this is Elliott from Birmingham, UK. I want to first say thanks to Parents Club. I listen to those quick episodes every week when I'm driving my kids to swim practice. My question today is; with extended family visiting for the holidays, how do you deal with bigoted comments from family members in front of your kids? Thank you.

vp: Hey there. Thank you so much for your question and for being a Parents Club member. This is a question a lot of parents have during the holidays. According to therapist Brittni Fudge, the first thing for parents to do when a comment is made is to stay calm. Stay calm with your family member and your children. It’s normal to be upset with your extended family members if they say something that doesn’t align with your family’s values. Staying calm in these interactions will reduce tension and fear in your children, while modeling how to calmly handle conflict. Plus, staying calm fosters an environment where it’s safe to ask questions about race.

If you prefer no comments to be made, have a discussion with your family beforehand or meet their comments with silence if you feel responding will start an argument.

But, instead of avoiding a tough conversation, you can also choose to take advantage of the opportunity to model how to stick up for what you believe. Although it may be uncomfortable to confront their comments, be direct in stating that you would appreciate if they kept racist comments to themselves. Calmly and directly addressing this in the moment models effective conflict resolution for your children.

There are right and wrong ways to go about this according to research from the University of Arkansas. Try starting your sentence with “I” rather than “You” to reduces defensiveness and creates safety for tough conversations. Rather than saying, “You’re so racist. How could you say that?! You’re going to pass on your racist thoughts to my children!” Try this instead: “I feel uncomfortable when you share racist thoughts. Can you please be mindful of my children’s impressionable minds and keep your opinions regarding race to yourself?” The “I” statement is likely to lead to a more productive conversation while preserving the relationship. If you prefer no comments to be made, have a discussion with your family beforehand. But instead of avoiding a tough conversation, you can also choose to take advantage of the opportunity to model how to stick up for what you believe. Although it may be uncomfortable to confront their comments, be direct in stating that you would appreciate if they kept racist comments to themselves. Calmly and directly addressing this in the moment models effective conflict resolution for your children.

Depending on the age of your children, you can respond to your children about what was said. For impressionable young children it is important to guide the conversation toward empathy and respect. As uncomfortable and painful as it may be to talk about racism, reframe it in your mind as an opportunity to discuss equality and tolerance. It’s healthy for children to learn that you can feel two conflicting emotions at the same time. Explain that you’re saddened by your family member’s comments—and use the moment to explain why this saddens you—while also still feeling love and respect for them as members of your family. Talking openly about stereotypes, racism, and bias that you see in day-to-day interactions or in the media can reduce the stigma around these discussions and encourage curiosity.

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That’s it for this Q&A episode, I’m Vincent Phamvan. We’ll talk to you again next time.