Transcript
Austin: Hey Karsen and Vincent, this is Austin from New Jersey. First off, I’m a huge Dad’s Club fan. Thank you for everything you guys are doing. Especially the bite-sized episodes. It’s made it so much easier for me to get the right information without having to read millions and millions of books that come my way. So my question is around handling the fear of passing on bad traits to our kids because I think there are certain things about each of us that we wish we could improve. Or we wish weren’t a part of our lives or our personalities or our brains or who we are. We don’t want to pass that onto our kids, but at the same time, it’s something we’re still working on and something we’re still struggling with and practicing. So how do we handle the fear of passing that on or not passing that on? So that we’re still able to work through the things we’re working through without negatively impacting our kids.
Vincent: As parents, we often look at the similarities that we see between ourselves and our children. Whether it’s our childhood hair color or personality. Of course, we get excited when we see these similarities.
Whether you like it or not, who you are today has a lot to do with the environment that you grew up in as a child. Your family cultivated your qualities.
Dr. Bryan Bruno, a Medical Director in New York City, says, “It turns out your behavior is heavily influenced by your environment, and your parents’ habits could easily pass down to you during your childhood.”
That’s a great question about our own negative traits though, and how to break the cycle or not pass these qualities onto our kids.
The first step is to have self-awareness through reflection. This will help you determine the habits that you’re not happy with and whether it’s possible to change. Discerning behaviors worth emulating and those that should be avoided is the first step towards role modeling healthy behaviors.
Dr. Fern Kazlow, a psychotherapist, says “Habits can be reduced or eliminated when you recognize what they are, what purpose they were meant to serve, find healthier ways to accomplish that goal, and are committed to achieving a more fulfilling life.”
Bruno points out that most people learn how to spend, save, and invest their money by directly mirroring their parents’ financial decisions. That means if you have parents who make impulsive financial decisions, chances are you will make them, too.
He says that some of this impulse behavior can actually be directly passed down through genetic traits. So if you’re affected by ADHD, bipolar disorder, or antisocial personality disorder, the chances of being impulsive in your life, including your finances, is greater. And working with a licensed therapist can help you better manage it.
Dr. Marcelle Moore, a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in child and family work, says it can be both positive and negative when difficult aspects in your personality are shared with your child. If you have insight into this characteristic, then you’re in a much better position to help your child manage it.
How you respond to feelings of anxiety or anger, for instance, has a big impact on how your child deals with the same part of their personality, both now and in the future.
Moore continues to say, “Parents can struggle with a child mirroring themselves, feeling guilty when they see the child upset or frustrated by feelings they can relate to. The guilt has to be worked through and parents have to be careful to not overly identify with the child.”
The reason for this is because it can limit the ability for you to help your child make sense of their feelings and explore different ways to react or think about what other choices they could have made.
Lastly, having similar personalities can help you better relate to a child who is similar. It may lead to common interests, hobbies, and shared experiences.
Dr. Moore says that you should respond in the way that children need rather than the way the parent might be automatically programmed to.”
Question: My question is around handling the fear of passing on bad traits to our kids. There are certain things about each of us that we wish we could improve. I don’t want to pass those on to our kids, but at the same time, it’s something I’m still working on and something I’m still struggling with and practicing. So how do we handle the fear of passing that on or not passing that on?
Answer: As parents, we often look at the similarities that we see between ourselves and our children. Whether it’s our childhood hair color or personality. Of course, we get excited when we see these similarities.
Whether you like it or not, who you are today has a lot to do with the environment that you grew up in as a child. Your family cultivated your qualities.
Dr. Bryan Bruno, a Medical Director in New York City, says, “It turns out your behavior is heavily influenced by your environment, and your parents’ habits could easily pass down to you during your childhood.”
That’s a great question about our own negative traits though, and how to break the cycle or not pass these qualities onto our kids.
The first step is to have self-awareness through reflection. This will help you determine the habits that you’re not happy with and whether it’s possible to change. Discerning behaviors worth emulating and those that should be avoided is the first step towards role modeling healthy behaviors.
Dr. Fern Kazlow, a psychotherapist, says “Habits can be reduced or eliminated when you recognize what they are, what purpose they were meant to serve, find healthier ways to accomplish that goal, and are committed to achieving a more fulfilling life.”
Bruno points out that most people learn how to spend, save, and invest their money by directly mirroring their parents’ financial decisions. That means if you have parents who make impulsive financial decisions, chances are you will make them, too.
He says that some of this impulse behavior can actually be directly passed down through genetic traits. So if you’re affected by ADHD, bipolar disorder, or antisocial personality disorder, the chances of being impulsive in your life, including your finances, is greater. And working with a licensed therapist can help you better manage it.
Dr. Marcelle Moore, a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in child and family work, says it can be both positive and negative when difficult aspects in your personality are shared with your child. If you have insight into this characteristic, then you’re in a much better position to help your child manage it.
How you respond to feelings of anxiety or anger, for instance, has a big impact on how your child deals with the same part of their personality, both now and in the future.
Moore continues to say, “Parents can struggle with a child mirroring themselves, feeling guilty when they see the child upset or frustrated by feelings they can relate to. The guilt has to be worked through and parents have to be careful to not overly identify with the child.”
The reason for this is because it can limit the ability for you to help your child make sense of their feelings and explore different ways to react or think about what other choices they could have made.
Lastly, having similar personalities can help you better relate to a child who is similar. It may lead to common interests, hobbies, and shared experiences.
Dr. Moore says that you should respond in the way that children need rather than the way the parent might be automatically programmed to.
