How Can I Get My Child to Sleep in Their Own Bed?

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vp: From the Parent’s Club, I’m Vincent Phamvan. This is our Member’s Questions episode. In each Q&A episode, learn about the most important things you need to know as a parent, and how to help your family learn, grow, and thrive.

k: Hi this is Kaylee from Chicago, Illinois. My preschooler is terrified to sleep in his own bed. He keeps knocking on our door and coming into our room in the middle of the night. We can't figure out what to do to ease his anxiety and get him to sleep in his own bed. Do you have any guidance that can help us fix that?

vp: Parenthood isn't always a walk in the park. Getting your child to sleep in their own bed can be a frustrating and tiring challenge that can impact everyday life, even down to your relationship with your partner. As a parent, you want to ease the anxiety that could be causing your child to wander into your room in the middle of the night, and know it's important for their health to learn how to sleep independently, but it's hard to resist a crying toddler. And if you give in, even for the right reasons or a couple of times, you're accidentally sending the message it's ok for them to resist sleeping on their own long-term. Thankfully, there are parenting tips that can help you make a plan as you tackle this nighttime problem and learn to resist the tears.

Breaking the habit of your child wanting to sleep in your bed at night can be done in a variety of ways. One, a child psychologist might recommend making sure that their bedroom is as sleep-friendly as possible. This can look different for each child. One may want to sleep with a light on. Another may sleep best with a white noise machine. Some children may feel uncomfortable during the summer if the temperature feels too warm. There could be stuffed animals or comfortable blankets and bedsheets that make them feel safe and motivate them to sleep on their own. Start experimenting with environmental changes and see what helps ease any nighttime anxiety that could be driving their desire of sharing a bed with you. You want it to be a relaxing space that makes them feel comfortable and safe.

Another parenting strategy is to implement a healthy bedtime routine. Having a routine will help your child wind down at night and signal it's time to go to sleep. This could look like a process of moving through bath time, brushing their teeth, using the bathroom, reading stories, tucking them into bed, giving them a kiss, then leaving the room so they can learn the skill of falling asleep on their own.

Set clear expectations. Talk to your child about creating a new sleeping pattern. It's important to empathize with them if they have any bedtime anxiety but to make it clear that you believe in them and expect them to stay in their bed all night. This leads to what may be the most challenging part, sticking to that expectation if they walk into the room wanting to sleep with mom and dad. When you're tired and are met by tears, it can be hard to turn down cuddle time and send your child back to bed. That's why having a plan in place is so important and can help you be consistent in taking their hand each night to guide them back to their room.

If they've been consistently sleeping in your bedroom and their anxiety about sleeping alone feels like too much to tackle right away, another method that can help is creating a step-by-step transition plan to ease them into sleeping on their own. So, one adult might try sleeping in the kid's room until they start to feel a little more comfortable in their bed at night, even having a chair in the room you can stay in until they fall asleep.

Positive reinforcement is an effective technique when it comes to teaching children to sleep independently. You could reward them for good behavior through strategies like a sticker chart that updates as progress is made and being sure to praise them for staying in their bedroom through the night.

It also might be worth reflecting back on what's worked well in the past and implementing those strategies again, or dialing back on things that maybe haven't worked as well.

If you're concerned about your child's health or find it's more challenging than you think it should be to encourage independent sleeping, it's important to talk to your healthcare provider for advice and medical guidance. A physician may be able to help identify any underlying causes for their fear or anxiety and provide more accurate and personalized answers. Therapy may even be a good course of action to take if your kid's experiencing major anxiety.

I hope this has been helpful and you're able to enjoy more restful sleep soon.

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That’s it for this Q&A episode, I’m Vincent Phamvan. We’ll talk to you again next time.