13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success

Karsen: From the Parents Club, I’m Karsen Kolnicki. This is your briefing.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Karsen: Today, we’re discussing 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success. Written by Amy Morin.

In this title Morin turns her focus towards parents, showing them how to raise mentally strong and resilient children.

As a foster parent, psychotherapist, and expert in family and teen therapy, Amy shares how children can have the skills they need to deal with challenges in their everyday lives and how to flourish socially, emotionally, behaviorally, and academically.

Karsen: Vincent Phamvan on the key takeaways [pause] and what you need to know.

[MUSIC ENDS]

Karsen: Vincent, all parents want their children to have the best future possible. What’s the big takeaway that Amy Morin uses in this title?

Vincent: There’s no shortage of how-to parenting books out there. Morin says that success is more than just academic achievement. There are other areas like positive emotional and behavioral development that are just as important. In order to set up your children for success, she says that parents need to work on their own behaviors in order to raise mentally strong children.

She introduces concepts like the praise-criticism-praise sandwich and how they can motivate your child to do their best.

Karsen: So what is the best way to raise mentally strong children?

Vincent: Well, the author says that the best way is by practicing good, healthy habits yourself—which makes you capable of passing them on to your child.

One example in the book is the natural desire to defend your child when they’ve been wronged. Social media has led many parents to encourage feelings of victimhood. However, mentally strong parents refuse to do this. You want your child to be empowered to handle life’s challenges rather than always seeing themselves as a victims of circumstance.

The author continues to explain an example with Cody, a 14-year old who was prescribed ADHD medication. His teachers shared that he was calmer and more attentive, but his grades didn’t get better. The parents then demanded that he be assigned less work than his peers.

The workload, though, wasn’t the problem. He developed what researchers called learned helplessness, where he believed that his ADHD made him fundamentally incapable, which was an idea that his parents reinforced.

When the parents started treating him like he was capable, he began to put in the effort, and his grades improved.

Mentally strong parents don’t let their kids avoid responsibility. Instead of letting them blame others for their problems, it’s important to hold children accountable for facing the consequences of their actions.

Other actions that can help children become mentally strong are household habits. Children who have chores from an early age become more successful, empathetic, and self-reliant adults. The research also shows you should let them practice resolving conflicts during their own playtime. If adults always intervene, they’ll be more likely to blame others.

Karsen: It sounds like there’s a lot to know when it comes to parenting. There was a survey by BabyCenter where 94% of mothers surveyed said they had feelings of guilt. How can parents manage this guilt?

Vincent: Yes, the author talks about how having too much anxiety from being a “bad” parent can lead to the mistake of making parenting decisions with guilt as your guide.

This means that the guilt can encourage parents to give in to their child’s demands, which allows them to avoid feeling guilty at that moment.

There’s an example in the book where Joe’s son, Micah, was 100 pounds overweight when his pediatrician threatened to call Child Protective Services. Joe felt guilty about Micah’s unhealthy eating habits, but it was hard to cope with Micah’s begging and crying after being denied junk food.

Managing this guilt requires changing your behavior as a parent. By focusing on the long-term feelings of letting Micah’s health deteriorate, Joe was able to learn how to tolerate the short-term guilt that came with setting limits on Micah’s diet.

Karsen: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Vincent: Another example is April, one of the author’s clients. She had a brother who drowned as a child. Then when she had her own kids, she kept them away from water, so they never learned how to swim.

One day at a friend’s house, April’s 7 year old wandered away and ended up in the neighbor’s pool. The neighbor rescued him, but this traumatized April, all over again. Eventually she realized that to really ensure her children’s safety, she needed to teach them how to swim.

Karsen: Wow, It sounds like the lesson here is to not coddle your children, but instead it’s important to teach them self-resilience.

Vincent: That’s right, research has shown that overprotective parents end up having boomerang kids, that’s where the kids move back in with their parents because they aren’t equipped for the transition to adulthood.

Karsen: So we’ve talked about how to ensure your children don’t grow up feeling like a victim. What about other feelings like a sense of entitlement?

Vincent: That’s a great question. Morin says that you want your children to believe in themselves, but being convinced that they are exceptional can lead to a sense of entitlement. The long-term impact of this is a diminished capability of empathy, a constant feeling of dissatisfaction, and a belief that they shouldn’t have to try hard to get what they want.

Karsen: So you shouldn’t give your child everything they want?

Vincent: Not always. There was an example in the book where two parents let their daughter have everything she wanted. The daughter could decide where they went and what they did. However, one day they learned that their daughter was considered the “mean girl” at school. They wanted to teach her the importance of being nice by being nice to her, but instead, she ended up being self-centered and lacking in empathy.

Karsen: Uh oh… it sounds like that backfired. What should parents do instead?

Vincent: It did. If as a parent, you’re concerned about your child’s ego, you can introduce humility. Instead of praising their results by saying, “You’re the fastest runner ever!”, instead, parents should praise their children’s effort with something like “Your training really paid off!”

Another interesting learning is researchers from UC Berkeley is that feelings of awe can offer a new sense of perspective. So exposing children to opportunities to experience awe like witnessing a natural wonder or visiting a dinosaur exhibit can remind them that they’re in the presence of something greater than themselves.

Karsen: How do you establish a clear hierarchy within the household?

Vincent: So there are a few things mentioned in the book here. First, set clear boundaries without wavering. When these terms are tested, parents have to follow through with consequences. They should try to offer rewards instead of bribes. And lastly, parents need to present a united front with their partner.

Karsen: Where is the balance between pushing for improvement versus pushing too hard?

Vincent: That’s a great question. Some parents expect their children to be extensions of themselves, and so they push their children to succeed where they themselves failed.

This can have devastating impacts on your child’s mental health though. They can develop social perfectionism or the belief that others won’t love them if they make a mistake.

When taken to an extreme, a 2013 study revealed that 70% of boys aged 12-25 who took their own lives had placed an inordinate amount of pressure on themselves.

Karsen: So what can be done about this?

Vincent: One way to avoid this is to encourage your child to strive for excellence instead of perfectionism.  You don’t want to criticize too much as a parent. Instead, you can offer a praise-criticism-praise sandwich.

An example of this would be saying, “Good job cleaning your room! I noticed that you didn’t fold your t-shirts before putting them away, but you did a great job making the bed!”

Parents who push too hard for perfection by micromanaging are called helicopter parents. The long-term consequence here is children develop an inability to acknowledge and deal with slip-ups, which can make it hard to transition into adulthood, discomfort with making their own decisions, and problems taking care of emotional and physical needs.

Research shows they are more likely to develop depression, take psychiatric medication, and have physical health issues.

The goal is to help your children learn and grow from their mistakes by teaching them that what matters is how we overcome problems.

Karsen: You’ve been listening to Part 1 of the key takeaways from 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success. Written by Amy Morin.

Continue onto Part 2 of our key takeaways in the next episode.

--- END PART ONE ----

Karsen: From The Dad’s Club, I’m Karsen Kolnicki. This is your briefing.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Karsen: Today, we’re discussing 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success. Written by Amy Morin.

This is part two of a two-part series. If you haven’t listened to part one, I’d recommend going back to the previous episode before listening to this episode.

In this title Morin turns her focus to parents, showing them how to raise mentally strong and resilient children.

As a foster parent, psychotherapist, and expert in family and teen therapy, Amy shares how children can have the skills they need to deal with challenges in their everyday lives and how to flourish socially, emotionally, behaviorally, and academically.

Karsen: Vincent Phamvan on the key takeaways [pause] and what you need to know.

Karsen: Let’s jump back in. Some parents want to shield their children from painful experiences. What does the author say about this?

Vincent: Morin gives an example in the book where Julie and Michael, two of the author’s family therapy clients, got a divorce. They thought it would be too difficult for the children to handle it, so for years, Michael would come over for dinner every Sunday and for all holidays.

When Julie wanted to share her family life with a new partner, she realized she’d delayed the inevitable.

It’s natural for parents to want to protect their children from discomfort, but not letting them experience pain, sends a message that they’re fragile.

When children learn to cope with the stresses of life, they build self-esteem and problem-solving skills. It helps them become more capable, competent, and resilient.

Karsen: So the parents should have stopped having Sunday dinners together?

Vincent: Yes, that’s what Morin says. When she stopped inviting her ex to Sunday dinner and didn’t have him over for the holidays, the kids felt pain, but they learned from it.

The author says that when you acknowledge and deal with the pain instead of minimizing or denying it, it makes you more capable of recognizing pleasure. You always have a better understanding of the world around you by making it easier to relate to people and form social bonds.

Karsen: So that’s the topic of pain, what about children feeling sadness or feeling hurt?

Vincent: Yes, the natural thing to do is to change the subject or try to cheer their children up, rather than letting them experience sadness or hurt.

Children need validation and support, not necessarily distraction. If they can’t tolerate feeling sad, they’ll be less willing to take risks later on because of fear of failure or rejection.

Morin says that you should let your child build their mental and emotional muscles by experiencing a wide range of emotions. They won’t be able to avoid boredom, guilt, disappointment, or frustration their entire life.

One example the author shares is research from Penn State that showed that children who show more prosocial skills—like getting along with others and sharing—at age 5 are more likely to finish college and have a full-time job at age 25.

The reverse was also true, kindergartners who struggle with social skills are less likely to finish school and more at risk for substance abuse and legal issues later in life.

Karsen: So what can parents do to encourage healthy prosocial behaviors?

Vincent: To encourage healthy emotional intelligence, parents can talk about their own feelings. You can encourage your children to describe what they’re feeling. Rather than just talking about the action that made your child upset, you can encourage using specific feeling words, like “nervous” to help identify specific emotions.

Another healthy activity is to teach mind boosters. You can encourage your child to write a list of things that make them feel happy. This can include going for a walk or playing with a pet. This gives them the tools to take control of their mood, calm themselves down, or cheer themselves up.

Karsen: Those sound like better outcomes than merely changing the topic with a distraction. You mentioned setting boundaries and having clear consequences. How should parents approach punishments?

Vincent: As many parents know, the fastest, easiest way to deal with misbehaving is yelling, punishment, or shaming.

However, there’s a cost that comes with harsh punishments. Research shows that spanking has proven to increase aggression, behavioral problems, and mental health issues.

Also, children who are yelled at or publicly humiliated become sophisticated liars and poor decision-makers.

These harsh punishments focus on your child’s mistakes. Healthy discipline instead focuses on learning and improving.

For example, clear expectation setting might translate to consistent rules and logical consequences. And the author advocates for a thoughtful reward system.

Karsen: Even though yelling, punishments, and shaming may seem useful in the short-term, it’s best to avoid the quick fixes, for the long-term?

Vincent: Yes, Morin says that when parents take the quick fix, like giving in when your child whines or screams or taking your child to the park when they refuse to clean their messy room it teaches your child to take shortcuts.

Karsen: What should parents do instead?

Vincent: Instead, they should show the child the importance of persistence. You can do this by helping them set goals, like reading a certain number of books over the summer.

Research from Stanford shows that kids with self-control to wait for a larger reward rather than receiving a small one right away have better outcomes later in life.

Karsen: I remember reading that study. So, how can parents instill strong values in their children?

Vincent: The best way is to have a conversation with the family about it directly. Without this conversation, the priorities may not be apparent to children.

For example, the author shares research from Harvard, where most parents say that learning to  be caring is the top priority for their kids. However, that’s not what the teenagers understood to be important. 80% of them believed their parents prioritized achievement over kindness.

Morin suggests creating a family mission statement. You can gather the adults of the household to discuss the values that you want children to learn. Then, organize a family meeting to ask questions such as “What makes us a family” or “What do we want to accomplish as a family?”

With everyone’s input, you can craft a short statement that captures what’s most important to the family. Then post this mission statement prominently in the home.

Karsen: It sounds like the key takeaway from this book is that by working on your own habits as a parent, you’ll be a great role model for your children. They’ll be able to learn positive values from you. Also, parents should try not to parent out of fear or take shortcuts. You can’t protect your children from feeling pain or hurt, but you can help them become better acquainted with the full spectrum of human emotion.

[MUSIC STARTS]

Karsen: That’s it for your briefing. I’m Karsen Kolnicki. See you next time.

[MUSIC ENDS]